(Please excuse the mess that has become this blog. I somehow screwed up the template for this blog and lost everything that I'd put together and I'm trying to figure out how to put it together. The fine folks at Blogger do not seem interested at all in helping me out...)
(UPDATE: I fixed it! I fixed it! Okay, everyone settle down...)
So I almost screwed up today.
One of the things that my wife has continually told me since all of this has unfolded is that she needs time to herself - time to get her head straight, time to remember who she is and time to just chill out. She works an inordinate number of hours at the Big Important Job and then she comes home to me and The Child and there ends up being very little time for herself.
That's been a hard thing for me to get my head around because all I want is time with her. And any time that she wants to spend without me feels like a rejection. I know that isn't really the case, but that's what it feels like and it's something that I haven't dealt well with. I've been trying and the progress has been...slow. Which sucks for both of us because it's become a source of tension - she dreads asking me for an hour to herself and I dread that hour.
It's gotten better. Our counselor was able to point some things out to me that made a lot of sense and last week, it felt much easier. It wasn't a physical drag to give her some space. And the counselor also pointed out to me yesterday that anything that I'm able to do in that regard is helping rebuild the trust and the bond.
So I thought I had it covered.
But my wife called me this morning and asked if I minded if she took off part of the day tomorrow to spend some time by herself.
It caught me off-guard and all of my initial reactions were wrong. I completely regressed. I was suspicious. (Friday happens to be a day that The Assface tends to leave the office early.) I was hurt. (I'd been asking for her to cut back on her hours, to spend more time at home.) I was a little angry. (Why doesn't she wanna spend time with me? And I expressed all of those things in a matter of minutes.
She immediately started backpedaling, telling me never mind, it wasn't a big deal. But she was upset and couldn't hide it and irritated with me because I wasn't putting it all in context.
And I wasn't.
I forgot that we had a really good day yesterday.
I forgot that she said something incredibly nice and meaningful to me this morning.
I forgot that she grabbed my butt this morning on the way out the door. (Sounds insignificant? Trust me - it was HUGE. The act, I mean, not my butt. It sent me sky high.)
I forgot that Friday afternoons are by far the easiest time for her to clear her desk and get out of the office for a few hours.
I forgot that I've started to trust her again and that she's given me no reason to not trust her.
I immediately started telling her that I was sorry, that I was being an idiot, that if that's what she needed, then that's what I wanted her to do. She was still irritated with me and had to get ready for a call and we cut our conversation short.
Fortunately, we had already planned to have lunch. So I got my shit together, didn't let it fester and when I saw her for lunch, explained exactly why I lost it for about five minutes. Explained why I knew I was wrong and explained why I really, really wanted her to take the time for herself. I think she was skeptical at first - I think she was also worried that I would work myself up into a frenzy tomorrow while she was out and she sure as hell didn't wanna come home to that - but I think she finally saw that I was genuinely serious. We both agreed that I'd been a bit of jackass - my word, not hers - and then we were able to laugh about it while we had lunch.
So I think she's gonna take the afternoon off and spend a couple of hours by herself at a place outdoors tomorrow - nice weather here and there is little that improves her mood more than sunshine. And I want her to and I'm okay with it. Really.
Put up or shut up, right?
Showing posts with label Putting Up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Putting Up. Show all posts
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
98 Degrees > The Backstreet Boys
You know your life is sucking when titles of 98 Degrees songs keep popping up in everything you say and do.
The repercussions of the anonymous email are still rippling through our home. Last night was one of the toughest nights I've had. I say that without exaggeration and with the knowledge that nearly every night in the last two months has been tough.
The email put us completely on edge, unsure of what my wife would be walking into when she went to work this morning. There was some thought on my part that The Assface sent it just to get in my head (see comments in previous post) but for a couple of reasons, I don't think it was him. But I knew almost immediately that my wife was going to need to talk to him about the email and as much as I didn't want that to happen, I knew it was a necessity. And I knew that in order for her to find some peace of mind heading into work, she would need to talk to him last night. She couldn't really take the chance of talking to him at the office if our new friend is indeed an employee.
She knew it, too, and I could feel it between us as we were driving home from the hotel we spent the night at Saturday. She didn't want to ask and I'm glad she didn't. As we were going to pick up our child, I pulled over to the side of the road and did maybe the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I told her it was okay to call him.
I had to. Over the last two months, I've said I'd do whatever it took to show her that I loved her, to learn to trust her again and to rebuild our relationship. She is my everything. Our counselor has stressed that finding resolution and battling things together helps rebuild the intimacy in a relationship. Toughness makes you see the potential again in one another. An opportunity presented itself and I had to put up or shut up.
So I put up.
My wife was stunned, to say the least. I, of course, immediately burst into tears as I do so often these days. She said something about it being generous and selfless, but I was already spinning, wondering if I'd just made the dumbest decision of my life, to really pay attention to her. But I told her that I meant it, that I was serious, that I hated the idea of it, but that I understood it was something she needed to do and I said "I hope you understand that I'm doing this solely because of you."
I chose to leave the house last night when she called him. I didn't want her to leave, but I knew I couldn't be here. So I went and wandered around a bookstore for two hours, not really reading anything, just trying to think of anything other than her on the phone with The Assface. Didn't work. I ended up spending some time in my car, crying. She called me when she was done, wanted me to come home. I wasn't ready.
I finally did come home later on and she told me exactly what the conversation entailed - no, he hadn't gotten an email, no, he didn't know who would send it, yes, he understood their jobs could potentially be in jeopardy, yes, they would even have to limit their professional dealings with each other to avoid any appearance that there had ever been anything other than a professional relationship. And, yes, he was still a giant prick.*
It was fairly obvious how badly I was hurting and her concern for me was genuine. I appreciated it, but I had a hard time showing it. She thanked me over and over, told me she understood how hard it was for me, asked if there was anything she could do to help me and that she knew she'd put me in that position. But I was just numb. Telling your wife that it's okay to talk to the guy who was fucking her for a few weeks will do that to you.
And I'm having trouble shaking it this morning. It just hurts and I'm not entirely sure why and I can't seem to shut it off. I didn't sleep last night and I'm exhausted and I'm pretty sure I could be mistaken for a corpse at any moment. Give me just one night of sleep and that might help.
But today - I am hurting. Badly.
*He probably didn't say that. I think I made it up.
The repercussions of the anonymous email are still rippling through our home. Last night was one of the toughest nights I've had. I say that without exaggeration and with the knowledge that nearly every night in the last two months has been tough.
The email put us completely on edge, unsure of what my wife would be walking into when she went to work this morning. There was some thought on my part that The Assface sent it just to get in my head (see comments in previous post) but for a couple of reasons, I don't think it was him. But I knew almost immediately that my wife was going to need to talk to him about the email and as much as I didn't want that to happen, I knew it was a necessity. And I knew that in order for her to find some peace of mind heading into work, she would need to talk to him last night. She couldn't really take the chance of talking to him at the office if our new friend is indeed an employee.
She knew it, too, and I could feel it between us as we were driving home from the hotel we spent the night at Saturday. She didn't want to ask and I'm glad she didn't. As we were going to pick up our child, I pulled over to the side of the road and did maybe the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I told her it was okay to call him.
I had to. Over the last two months, I've said I'd do whatever it took to show her that I loved her, to learn to trust her again and to rebuild our relationship. She is my everything. Our counselor has stressed that finding resolution and battling things together helps rebuild the intimacy in a relationship. Toughness makes you see the potential again in one another. An opportunity presented itself and I had to put up or shut up.
So I put up.
My wife was stunned, to say the least. I, of course, immediately burst into tears as I do so often these days. She said something about it being generous and selfless, but I was already spinning, wondering if I'd just made the dumbest decision of my life, to really pay attention to her. But I told her that I meant it, that I was serious, that I hated the idea of it, but that I understood it was something she needed to do and I said "I hope you understand that I'm doing this solely because of you."
I chose to leave the house last night when she called him. I didn't want her to leave, but I knew I couldn't be here. So I went and wandered around a bookstore for two hours, not really reading anything, just trying to think of anything other than her on the phone with The Assface. Didn't work. I ended up spending some time in my car, crying. She called me when she was done, wanted me to come home. I wasn't ready.
I finally did come home later on and she told me exactly what the conversation entailed - no, he hadn't gotten an email, no, he didn't know who would send it, yes, he understood their jobs could potentially be in jeopardy, yes, they would even have to limit their professional dealings with each other to avoid any appearance that there had ever been anything other than a professional relationship. And, yes, he was still a giant prick.*
It was fairly obvious how badly I was hurting and her concern for me was genuine. I appreciated it, but I had a hard time showing it. She thanked me over and over, told me she understood how hard it was for me, asked if there was anything she could do to help me and that she knew she'd put me in that position. But I was just numb. Telling your wife that it's okay to talk to the guy who was fucking her for a few weeks will do that to you.
And I'm having trouble shaking it this morning. It just hurts and I'm not entirely sure why and I can't seem to shut it off. I didn't sleep last night and I'm exhausted and I'm pretty sure I could be mistaken for a corpse at any moment. Give me just one night of sleep and that might help.
But today - I am hurting. Badly.
*He probably didn't say that. I think I made it up.
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