Paralyzed

I have no idea why, but I am just paralyzed.

I said I was going to start talking about it all a month ago and its taken me a month just to even come back to the blog. I think because even talking about it means dealing with the reality of things and maybe I'm not even capable of doing that.

We started going to counseling, like I mentioned. Seemed to be going well. But in the back of my mind, something still wasn't right. There was just this tick, this feeling, this itch, that something wasn't what it was supposed to be. But I kept plugging, working on me and working on us. We did the summer vacation stuff, had a good time. Or at least thought we did. And I keep making statements like that - "thought we did" - because at the time, in the moment, everything seemed okay. That weird feeling or tick or whatever it was, I just blew it off as part of the process of putting things back together.

We got thru the summer in pretty good shape. But there was just something...off. And I just assumed it was me. That I was still having trust or forgiveness issues, that I was too suspicious of everything. There would be moments where she would get flustered if I walked into the room and she was texting on her phone or returning an email. Her getting flustered put me on edge and I asked her if she was still talking to The Assface. She would get indignant, angry, accuse me of not letting it go. And ultimately I would agree with her, that it was me, that I couldn't shake it. Even the counselor said she saw nothing that indicated that there was a continued relationship there. So I would suck it up, shove it away, talk myself out of it, blame myself, apologize and attempt to keep moving forward.

So so stupid. If I've learned anything at all, its to trust my instincts, something I have always done, but abandoned during this process. And it was a gigantic mistake. I have always worked on intuition and its never really let me down. Turning away from it was a mistake.

And I still can't even spit it all out. To the anonymous Internet. Why the hell is this so hard?