Friday, November 27, 2009


I have no idea why, but I am just paralyzed.

I said I was going to start talking about it all a month ago and its taken me a month just to even come back to the blog. I think because even talking about it means dealing with the reality of things and maybe I'm not even capable of doing that.

We started going to counseling, like I mentioned. Seemed to be going well. But in the back of my mind, something still wasn't right. There was just this tick, this feeling, this itch, that something wasn't what it was supposed to be. But I kept plugging, working on me and working on us. We did the summer vacation stuff, had a good time. Or at least thought we did. And I keep making statements like that - "thought we did" - because at the time, in the moment, everything seemed okay. That weird feeling or tick or whatever it was, I just blew it off as part of the process of putting things back together.

We got thru the summer in pretty good shape. But there was just And I just assumed it was me. That I was still having trust or forgiveness issues, that I was too suspicious of everything. There would be moments where she would get flustered if I walked into the room and she was texting on her phone or returning an email. Her getting flustered put me on edge and I asked her if she was still talking to The Assface. She would get indignant, angry, accuse me of not letting it go. And ultimately I would agree with her, that it was me, that I couldn't shake it. Even the counselor said she saw nothing that indicated that there was a continued relationship there. So I would suck it up, shove it away, talk myself out of it, blame myself, apologize and attempt to keep moving forward.

So so stupid. If I've learned anything at all, its to trust my instincts, something I have always done, but abandoned during this process. And it was a gigantic mistake. I have always worked on intuition and its never really let me down. Turning away from it was a mistake.

And I still can't even spit it all out. To the anonymous Internet. Why the hell is this so hard?


  1. Its hard! Trust is hard, forgiveness is hard, and you have been horribly betrayed. It being difficult sounds normal, not weird. It sucks you are dealing with it, but hopefully its some comfort that others have, others will and not everyone is going to hurt you.

  2. Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Now that it is a few months later, how you doing?

  3. Like Toni, I just wanted to check in and see if you were doing ok.

  4. What happened?

    I'm in a similar situation... similar emotionally despite the conditions being dramatically different. I've come across your blog a couple times and am curious how things turned out since your last post.

  5. I feel your pain I've been cheated on by my wife whom I've never even thought of cheating on and it's horrible esp with social media so prevalent you get a feeling something's wrong in your gut every time that persons on their phone tablet or what ever. Every time they text that thought of who's that pops into your head and you try to force yourself to think its nothing so you don't aggravate the situation. There's no quick fix or cure and it sometimes seems that not even time will make it better but we have to hold on to the belief that things will get better otherwise why still be in the relationship. I'm learning to take one day at a time and keep my eyes wide open I told my wife from time to time if I feel like something's wrong I'm going to confront you and I have that right given what YOU'VE done.