I'm in a good mood this morning, so I don't want to ruin that with a lot of negativity. So I'm not going to.
I was excited when she came home from her trip last night and felt even better when she seemed to have missed me. Nothing buoys my hope more than that. (Normally, this is where I'd get into the insecurities that rack me on a daily basis, about how I wonder if I'm just fooling myself, but since I'm in a good mood, I'm avoiding that crap today and choosing to take it at face value. My little reward for a good night's sleep and a morning full of scrambled eggs and optimism.) She was affectionate when she walked in the door and she initiated the affection. Haven't felt that in awhile. I've forced myself to take a step back this week and not act like a needy little puppy dog. Not to play hard to get - I'm not into playing head games with any of this and I've been very direct in how I feel about her, despite all of this - it's not a junior high dance - but to give her some space and to give myself some space. So it was more than nice to see her come to me when she got home.
We have a party to go to tonight and then we're spending the night at a hotel. While I'm really looking forward to it - the party should be a helluva lot of fun and the hotel is a place we've wanted to stay for a really long time and haven't had the opportunity - I'm also pretty anxious. It's weird to be out in social circles with friends. I feel like every person in the room knows what's going on and is looking right at me. It can be suffocating and more than a couple of times in the last few weeks, I've had to excuse myself and find a bathroom or step outside for a moment, just to get my head together.
I'm hoping that tonight lends itself to some sense of normalcy. I know it won't solve the problems we're dealing with, but just one seemingly normal, fun night would go a long way toward carving out some sanity for myself.
Booze and sex might help, too.