Monday, March 2, 2009

98 Degrees > The Backstreet Boys

You know your life is sucking when titles of 98 Degrees songs keep popping up in everything you say and do.

The repercussions of the anonymous email are still rippling through our home. Last night was one of the toughest nights I've had. I say that without exaggeration and with the knowledge that nearly every night in the last two months has been tough.

The email put us completely on edge, unsure of what my wife would be walking into when she went to work this morning. There was some thought on my part that The Assface sent it just to get in my head (see comments in previous post) but for a couple of reasons, I don't think it was him. But I knew almost immediately that my wife was going to need to talk to him about the email and as much as I didn't want that to happen, I knew it was a necessity. And I knew that in order for her to find some peace of mind heading into work, she would need to talk to him last night. She couldn't really take the chance of talking to him at the office if our new friend is indeed an employee.

She knew it, too, and I could feel it between us as we were driving home from the hotel we spent the night at Saturday. She didn't want to ask and I'm glad she didn't. As we were going to pick up our child, I pulled over to the side of the road and did maybe the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I told her it was okay to call him.

I had to. Over the last two months, I've said I'd do whatever it took to show her that I loved her, to learn to trust her again and to rebuild our relationship. She is my everything. Our counselor has stressed that finding resolution and battling things together helps rebuild the intimacy in a relationship. Toughness makes you see the potential again in one another. An opportunity presented itself and I had to put up or shut up.

So I put up.

My wife was stunned, to say the least. I, of course, immediately burst into tears as I do so often these days. She said something about it being generous and selfless, but I was already spinning, wondering if I'd just made the dumbest decision of my life, to really pay attention to her. But I told her that I meant it, that I was serious, that I hated the idea of it, but that I understood it was something she needed to do and I said "I hope you understand that I'm doing this solely because of you."

I chose to leave the house last night when she called him. I didn't want her to leave, but I knew I couldn't be here. So I went and wandered around a bookstore for two hours, not really reading anything, just trying to think of anything other than her on the phone with The Assface. Didn't work. I ended up spending some time in my car, crying. She called me when she was done, wanted me to come home. I wasn't ready.

I finally did come home later on and she told me exactly what the conversation entailed - no, he hadn't gotten an email, no, he didn't know who would send it, yes, he understood their jobs could potentially be in jeopardy, yes, they would even have to limit their professional dealings with each other to avoid any appearance that there had ever been anything other than a professional relationship. And, yes, he was still a giant prick.*

It was fairly obvious how badly I was hurting and her concern for me was genuine. I appreciated it, but I had a hard time showing it. She thanked me over and over, told me she understood how hard it was for me, asked if there was anything she could do to help me and that she knew she'd put me in that position. But I was just numb. Telling your wife that it's okay to talk to the guy who was fucking her for a few weeks will do that to you.

And I'm having trouble shaking it this morning. It just hurts and I'm not entirely sure why and I can't seem to shut it off. I didn't sleep last night and I'm exhausted and I'm pretty sure I could be mistaken for a corpse at any moment. Give me just one night of sleep and that might help.

But today - I am hurting. Badly.

*He probably didn't say that. I think I made it up.


  1. I'm feeling for you right now. You did the right thing in giving your wife the permission she needed to talk to Assface. That must have been very hard for both of you. Hang in there.